America is filled with a lot of angry arguments today. People throw around ‘facts’ to justify their argument, but the facts often appear to contradict each other.
Angry arguments rarely solve anything, but do plenty of damage by increasing conflict, lowering trust, and fragmenting our communities. They weaken our communities and turn us into bitter individuals.
Rather than getting angry in a pointless argument, why not focus your energy on constructive discussions where you learn something, and build trust and relationships?
Here are some tips on how to set up a good discussion and avoid fruitless arguments.
Is this a good-faith discussion in pursuit of the truth?
The key difference between a healthy discussion and an angry argument is the good-faith pursuit of truth.
In a healthy discussion, people exchange ideas in a good-faith effort to learn and grow by pursuing truth together. Good-faith discussions develop trust, stronger relationships, better people, and a deeper understanding of the truth. These discussions can become the foundation for different groups to unite, grow together, and solve problems together.
In contrast, angry arguments are primarily focused on imposing your ideas on others. What can’t be achieved through logic, love, and persuasion is imposed on others through force, power, silencing, and bullying,
Angry arguments are destructive because they fuel conflict, destroy relationships, drive radicalism, and splinter communities without adding anything positive. On a personal level, angry arguments will make you frustrated, un-loving, bitter, stressed, and anxious. Angy arguments bring out and reinforce the worst in people.
When you start a discussion, ask yourself if this discussion is a good-faith effort to pursue the truth or an exchange between people interested in imposing their views on others.
Don’t waste your time/energy on angry arguments that lead nowhere (but fuel/encourage you inner jerk).
The Mississippi Rule
Good-faith discussions include an exchange of ideas with facts to support those ideas. Often, good discussions get derailed because we don’t agree on the facts. Often, that’s because:
- We don’t understand what facts/truth are
- We compare apple facts with orange facts; or
- We encounter people who don’t believe in truth/facts at all.
The more we understand about facts, truth, and perspective, the more likely we are to have a great discussion.
Levels of Knowledge: How Opposite Facts Can Be True
Does the Mississippi River flow south? Checking a map, the obvious answer is YES, the Mississippi River runs south from Minnesota to the Gulf of Mexico.
Look close enough, however, and you can find places where the Mississippi runs east, west, and even north.
It is a fact that the Mississippi flows south. It is a fact that the Mississippi flows north. These facts appear to contradict each other. Which ‘fact’ is true and which false?
The answer is that both are true. The key is understanding that these facts reflect different levels of knowledge. In the big/macro picture, the Mississippi River runs south. It is a general rule that you might teach a 3rd grader.
As you get older, you learn that there are exceptions to the general rule of the Mississippi River. While it is generally true that the Mississippi runs south, it also runs north. This is a different level of knowledge.
Many good faith discussions founder because people are using facts that reflect different levels of knowledge. Apple facts and Orange facts. One person is speaking about the Mississippi River in general (apples) while another is speaking about the river around New Madrid, Missouri (oranges).
Focused on supporting their point rather than listening and learning, people often talk passionately past each other.
It is important that everyone is using facts from the same level of knowledge. Clarity about the level of knowledge avoids talking past each other, encourages trust, maximizes the likelihood of a successful discussion, and helps everyone gain better understanding of other perspectives. Most important, clarity builds trusting relationships that lead to more and better discussions.
This ‘level of knowledge’ issue is more common than we think.
Is a slab of concrete solid? If you break a leg falling on it, then the answer is ‘yes’. If you talk with a quantum physicist, you’ll hear that there is much more space than matter in concrete.
Are clouds above your head? The general answer is ‘yes’—except if you’re in an airplane and they are below you.
Is it ok to kill another person? General rule: no. Exception: Self-defense.
Beware of Postmodern Thinking
Truth and facts are often relative—a matter of perspective—but some people take that too far. The postmodern idea that there are no facts, no objective Truth, just perspectives and power, has become common in education and society.
Beware of this viewpoint. It is impossible to have a good-faith discussion with those who believe it. In this postmodern viewpoint, all discussions are angry arguments.
Why? Because good-faith discussions pursue truth. If there are no facts, no objective Truth, then good-faith discussions are impossible. If facts/truth do not exist, then they can’t be the goal or measure of a discussion. That is why, in this postmodern perspective, the only thing that matters is power.
In postmodern thinking, all discussions are, by their very nature, nothing more than attempts to impose viewpoints on others. Not because your viewpoint is objectively right or truthful, but because you have the power to do so. (The alternative is that others use their power to impose their viewpoints on you.)
Bullying and silencing others can’t be wrong (there is no right/wrong), but are simply an exercise of power to impose your viewpoint.
In the postmodern view, good-faith discussions are impossible. All discussions are angry arguments.
As you pursue good-faith discussions, remember that there are different levels of knowledge. Sometimes facts from different levels can appear to contradict each other.
While general rules (Mississippi River runs south) often have exceptions (Mississippi River runs north near New Madrid, MO), we must be careful that the exception does not replace the general/higher rule. Teaching first that the Mississippi River runs north would only deeply confuse 3rd graders who would later learn that it generally flows south.
Finally, remember that good-faith discussions with postmodern people are not possible. From a postmodern perspective, discussions are simply ways to use power to impose viewpoints on others.
How to set up great discussions (and avoid bad ones)
Life is about Happiness, wisdom, and good relationships. You are much more likely to achieve Happiness-fulfillment focused on good-faith discussions rather than angry arguments.
Spend your time with people who seek the truth and positive relationships in good faith—even (especially) when they disagree with you. You will learn and grow through these discussions.
Don’t waste your time on those who simply seek to impose their views on you. You will learn little truth from them. You may become frustrated, angry, and even bitter. Angry arguments destroy relationships and lower trust in society.
In good-faith discussions about truth, make it a priority to learn from the other person rather than convincing them. Focus on active listening rather than what you will say next. Active listening will help you understand their perspective and why they think the way they do. Knowing how and why others think builds trust and stronger relationships—the critical foundation for truth and a strong society.
That’s How to Have a Good Discussion in a World of Angry Arguments.
What are the best discussions you’ve had?
What discussion tips do you recommend?
What questions do you have on life?
Post it in the comments or send a message.
