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It is so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of life and find the weeks, months and even years flying buy.
We are chasing so many immediate things in life—getting the best job, getting our kids into the right schools and on the right sports teams, living in the right neighborhoods and driving the right cars—that it is easy to lose sight of what life is about.
And that’s dangerous. There are two things in life that are certain: death and taxes.
If you don’t pay attention to your taxes, the IRS will actively seek you out. The IRS will make you pay attention.
Life, on the other hand, will simply keep going on whether you are paying attention or not. A lot of people simply go through life, never really conscious of their own life, never living with intention or purpose. They get old or die and wonder where it all went. I can’t imagine a bigger regret than going through life unconscious, simply letting life happen to you.
That gets us to a very important question: Why? Why do you do what you do? What is your life leading to? What is your life destination?
Knowing the Why will make you more successful in all aspects of your life—at work, at home with your family, and in your own Happiness.
“Why” and Success in Your Life
So why do you do what you do? Where is your life going?
The answer to that should be Happiness. Fulfillment.
As I discussed in an earlier blog/podcast, The Meaning of Life: Happiness, history, tradition and, most of all, research tell us pretty clearly what makes us happy and fulfilled in life: high-quality relationships with others.
Let’s step that up: Happiness is all about having high-quality, high-trust relationships based in love.
Everything you do in life should point you towards Happiness. Anything that isn’t pointing you towards Happiness is quite literally a waste of your time.
Everything you do in life should be building high-quality, high-trust relationships based in love.
So, if you want Happiness and fulfillment in life, you should be constantly asking yourself why you do what you do. And the answer to that why should be that your action helps you build high-quality, high-trust loving relationships in your life.
Why practice being honest, just, wise, loving and courageous? Because when these become habits, when they become part of your character, you become the best person you can be –and that contributes directly to your high-quality, high-trust, loving relationships.
Why practice loving your family? Because it makes you a better person and because it teaches your children how to develop their own high-quality, high-trust, loving relationships. It is the most important thing you can teach them so they can achieve success in life—in their own families, in their work, as leaders in their own communities, and in their own lives.
Why care about the schools your children go to or activities they participate in? Because their experience in school builds knowledge and their team-based activities build character, leadership and teamwork. The knowledge they learn and the character they build develops wisdom. Having wisdom puts them in the best position possible to… Wait for it… Develop the high-quality, high-trust, loving relationships they will need to be successful in life. As leaders in their work, In their families and in their communities.
Why should you be physically, spiritually and psychologically fit? Because it puts you in the highest-quality, loving relationship with yourself. That, in turns, puts you in the best position to have great relationships with others.
Each week, we should review our activities—past and future—and ask why we are doing them. If our activities are not contributing to high-quality relationships with others (or ourselves), then we should replace them with activities that do.
In the big picture, developing high-quality relationships gives us, our children and those around us the best chance for Happiness in life. High-quality, high-trust relationships grounded in love are also the key to leadership success in our work and our communities.
“Why” and Being a Better Parent
The Why is also very important within your family—especially for your kids.
It is very important for you, as parents, to be clear with each other about why you do what you do individually, and as a family.
The more your spouse understands why you do what you do, the more your spouse will trust you. The more that both of you understand why you raise your kids the way you do, the more effective and aligned you will be as parents. Your children will hear a consistent message, reinforced by each parent. They will be less successful playing your spouse against you, you know, mommy and dadding you.
Why can also play a powerful role in helping your own children achieve success in their lives. My wife, Angie, made a point of this in our family.
Most of us love our parents dearly but have some things that our parents did when we were growing up that we promised ourselves we wouldn’t do with our own children.
In my wife’s case, as a kid, she would often ask her parents for permission to do something and get the “no” response.
That didn’t bother her too much. It’s a parent’s prerogative to tell a child “no.”
What bothered her was when she asked “Why?” All too often, she would get the dreaded response, “Because I said so”.
She swore she would never tell her own children “Because I said so.”
Fast-forward a few decades and we’re listening to a psychologist do a talk about children for a gathering of parents.
“Sometimes,” he says, “You get to the point where you just have to tell your kids ‘Because I said so.’” My wife and I cringed.
To kids, “Because I said so,” sounds arbitrary and uncaring. You know that because your parents probably used it at least once with you.
Worse, “Because I said so” is a giant, missed opportunity.
What if you replaced “Because I said so” with “Because all the things we ask you to do or not do are to help you become the best, most successful, happiest person you can be”?
It shows that you care because you gave them a reason. It focuses the answer and reason you gave on your love for them instead of you.
And perhaps most important, it teaches your kids to frame their lives in terms of pursuing their purpose in life: Happiness, fulfillment and success.
From their earliest days, we told our kids that they had a purpose in life: Goodness that leads to Happiness. We told them everything that we asked them to do or not do was focused on their Happiness and success—at work, in their future families, as leaders in their community and in their lives.
They understood this at a very young age. If they did something wrong, we could ask them, “Did that grow flowers or weeds in your heart?” They knew the answer. Intellectually and emotionally.
When you consistently frame everything in terms of Why and their purpose in life, you give your kids consistency and stability. That increases their sense of security. You give them the chance to actively pursue their destination in life, minimizing the waste of their time or energy. Most important, you provide your children with a powerful foundation for their own Happiness and success in life.
That’s what parents want for their children, isn’t it?
“Why” Gets the Most Performance at Work
Why do we work? The easy answer is “Because we need to make money.”
That answer treats work like it’s a job that is little more than a source of labor for the company and a source of income for the employee.
If that is your approach to work as a leader, you’re almost certainly underperforming.
One of the companies I’ve worked with is a big drywall contractor. Doing drywall in buildings doesn’t sound very exciting. It sounds very, well, dry.
I was at a day-long meeting of more than 150 of their employees and they didn’t seem very dry. Instead, they were clearly happy and excited to be working there.
Part of that is because the drywall company doesn’t do simple drywall in large high-rise or residential projects. They do themed interior and exterior projects for places like Disneyland, Universal Studios, and cool hotels and casinos.
As they reviewed slides of their projects at the meeting, people pointed at each project and said, “I helped build that!” When they travel to resorts, they are excited to point to their company projects and tell their family and friends, “We built that!”
They showed a picture of Hogwarts Castle at Universal Studios. The CEO asked, “How many millions of kids have had magic moments and smiled because we built that?”
It didn’t matter whether their contribution to the project was as a drywaller or project admin or human resources or IT, they all took pride saying, “We built that.”
It reminds me of a story. Imagine that you are a construction company owner and you are walking through one of your big projects. You come across a person working and you ask him, “What are you doing?”
The worker is a mason and answers, “Laying bricks.” Nothing more.
You walk further along and come across a second person on the same project doing the same activity.
“What are you doing?” you ask.
“Building a wall,” answers the second.
You walk still further and encounter a third person on the same project doing the same activity. Laying bricks.
“What are you doing?”
He says with some pride and excitement, “I’m helping build a cathedral to honor God and all that is beautiful in life!”
Which of your workers is going to be more engaged? Which worker is going to give you more commitment? Which worker is most likely to give you the best quality work? Which worker is the one you want talking to others about the project?
People perform better when they understand the meaning—the Why—of their work. The more meaningful their work, the deeper their commitment and engagement, and the better their performance.
Laying bricks doesn’t inspire much commitment. Building a wall is more meaningful but doesn’t get you far.
You want to be the leader that inspires your people by showing them how their work has deeper meaning—how it contributes to bigger things. Always framing things with why strengthens your work culture and improves employee engagement.
But providing your people the why isn’t just about getting higher performance. It is something you owe them as a leader and human being. The why shows how their work and life is meaningful. The why connects them to their work and their work to deeper things in life. The why provides the relationship between them, their work and their life. And by now, I hope we are beginning to understand the importance of relationship to people and their Happiness.
WRAP UP
Wrapping it up, If you want to have the best life possible, you should be constantly asking yourself “Why am I doing this? How does this help me build better relationships with myself and others, so I have the best chance for Happiness in life?” Everything you do in every aspect of your life should be helping you move towards Happiness.
When you are doing things with others—whether it’s your family or friends or work team—you should always give them why.
The more your kids understand why, the better your relationship will be with them. They will have better, more successful lives because they will know how to use why as leaders in their own professional and family lives.
The more your people at work understand why, the more they know that they matter. You’ll be a better leader with better relationships. You’ll have a stronger work culture with more deeply engaged employees, and that gets higher productivity, efficiency and performance.
That’s the Power of Why
Comments
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Michael Ferachi On December 20, 2018 at 3:29 pm
Pete, your post is an excellent discussion of “Why?” Thanks for sharing it! I look forward to your next post!