Why Presuming Good Faith is Critical to Your Happiness and Success

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Attacking the Bad and Stupid People

So, America, are we pissed off at each other enough yet?

It is seductive and easy to get pissed off at bad people. Stupid people.

You know the ones. The idiots out there on the other side. The fake news ones. They are ignorant. Selfish. Hateful. They deserve whatever bad things happen to them.

Doesn’t it feel good to be righteous? To defend your truth? To fight for something you believe in?  To tolerate the good stuff and be virtuously intolerant of what they’re doing?

Doesn’t it feel good to attack and denounce the bad and the stupid? Pat yourself on the back for making another tweet or Facebook post that points out their stupidity and evil with a witty and nasty retort.

We need to stop.

We need to stop this incessant, mean-spirited attacking of others. The attacks are stupid and self-destructive. Our attacks destroy our ability to live together as Americans; they threaten our own national security; and the more we attack each other the more it changes us—you and me—into ugly and mean-spirited people.

None of this attacking helps us achieve success and happiness as individuals or as an American nation. Let’s stop.

Bad Faith, Prejudice and Bigotry

Think about it. Most of our attacks start with the presumption that our opponent is bad and stupid. That’s why we are attacking them. We’ve probably never met the other person. We just know that they are bad because of their race or class or job or their pussy hat or MAGA hat or where they live or their political thoughts. And that justifies being mean to them.

We don’t really know them, but we’re willing to pre-judge and attack them based on their race or class or whatever. That’s prejudice.

We make no effort to know or understand them before we attack. We don’t listen to what they say in good-faith to understand them. Nope. Instead, we interpret everything they say in the worst possible way so we can have another opportunity to attack. Our attacks are in bad faith and prejudiced. That makes us bigots too.

When another is that bad and stupid, they aren’t a real person. Or at least they don’t deserve to be treated like a person. They are evil. They are demons. And so, they should be treated like demons.

Demonizing Others Destroys Us

But demonizing “others”, treating them like things, not people, has a long history of turning into truly evil situations like genocide, slavery, internment and mob lynchings. When you dehumanize others in your attacks, you begin a walk down a very dangerous path.

There’s more.

Attacking and demonizing others destroys your ability to develop good relationships with other people. It divides us deeply and emotionally. It poisons future opportunities for a relationship with that person or those people.

We lose the ability to come together as a community or nation to solve problems. That makes life much harder for everyone.

Demonizing others can destroy our own family and friendships. When we attack, we can find ourselves throwing away decades of friendship over a disagreement on some election.

And perhaps most important, when we are mean to others, when we attack and demonize them, we change ourselves. We become what we do, what we practice. It becomes a habit. It becomes part of our character, of who we are. We become mean-spirited, hateful people.

Every time we demonize another person we take another step on a path to mean-spiritedness and hatefulness. That meanness will inevitably seep into other aspects of our lives.

We know from an earlier blog that Happiness in life is all about high-quality relationships with other people. We know that work success depends on having great relationships with our clients and our co-workers.

Happiness and success—everyone wants that, right?

Well, demonizing others destroys our Happiness and success by destroying our ability to have high-quality, high-performance relationships. Demonizing others poisons the trust needed for great relationships. And demonizing others makes us mean-spirited, which undermines our own ability to have good relationships.

To sum it up, presuming the worst about others, and attacking and demonizing them is incredibly destructive on every level. It turns you into a mean-spirited person. It destroys relationships with family, friends and co-workers. And it tears our community and nation apart.

Happiness and Success by Presuming Good Faith

So, we need to stop. We need to find ways to come together as a community and nation. And we can start that process by giving other people the presumption of good faith.

Instead of starting with the presumption that the other person is an asshole who should be attacked, how about starting with the recognition that the other person is a human being. Like you and me. As a human, we should treat them with dignity, not loathing.

From the presumption of good faith, we can begin building a relationship with that person. We can discover what we share as people. We can use that relationship as an opportunity to learn from each other and our different experiences.

What if we started by sharing beers with each other instead of throwing beer in each other’s faces?

By presuming good faith in our opponents, by giving them the benefit of the doubt that deep-down inside they are decent people, we can take advantage of our current situation to pursue Happiness and success in all areas of our lives.

Happiness in life is all about high-quality relationships. The presumption of good faith is the starting point for developing high-quality relationships with your family, with your friends, your co-workers and the people in your community. These high-quality relationships will help you towards Happiness in life.

Practicing the presumption of good faith will change you. It will make you a more understanding, caring and kind-hearted person. You will be a good person who is well-prepared to be a great participant in a relationship. Presuming good faith will make you a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend and a better leader at work.

When you presume good faith, you will learn new things from the people that you previously demonized. You will gain wisdom. You will know how to put together high-quality relationships at work. You will be able to work with others to solve what were previously un-solvable problems.

To achieve success at work, in your family and in your community, you must put together high-performance teams. The highest-performance teams are based in trust. The presumption of good faith is your first and most important act of trust with other people—at work, in your family and in your community. It is the foundation for success in all parts of your life.

How We Can Practice the Presumption of Good Faith

So, what can each of us do to build the presumption of good-faith?

Start by actively listening to others. Set aside all the things you can’t wait to tell the other person. Set aside your concerns and feelings and anger. Actively listen to understand why the other person thinks and feels the way they do. Don’t judge them. Walk in their shoes. Get in their head. Not with the intent to counter or correct or attack them. Simply focused on understanding and appreciating them as a person, a human, just like you. Treat them like you want to be treated.

Find the things that you share, like a fixing cars or riding bikes or tasting beers or watching The Bachelor. Do some things together. Laugh together. Solve things together. Suffer with each other.

If you don’t share anything, then ask the person if they are willing to teach you what they are passionate about and why. Dive into it in good faith. You will likely learn new things, and appreciate people and life more.

If you really seek Happiness and Wisdom and Success, don’t passively wait for an encounter with those you oppose. Seek out someone with whom you deeply disagree, and practice building the relationship. You will surprise yourself on how much that helps you become successful at work and in your family, and how much it adds to your pursuit of Happiness.

I’m Pete Bowen.